i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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