The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
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