Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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