the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
So vagazzling was a success
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
