i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Randomize
