I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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