had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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