My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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