She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
