So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Randomize
