I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
