last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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