If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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