im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
