I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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