So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize