So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Randomize
