There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
