I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
