she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Randomize
