im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I will die if light touches me.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
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