And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
