the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
