I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
this hospital has no fireball
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
