i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
