Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
His hands were made for my vagina.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Randomize
