i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
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