In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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