Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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