I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Randomize
