Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
I met the friendliest cop last night
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
