In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
