WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
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