life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
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