when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Randomize
