I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
