I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
It's shark week go big or go home
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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