Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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