Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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