i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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