dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
