he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
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