Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
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