Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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