ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
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