just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
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