u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
