Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Randomize
