Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
