There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
