I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Randomize
