new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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