He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
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