Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
