I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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