mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
