I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Randomize
