You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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